YOU READ THAT RIGHT, friends. This is a rare gem. RING A DING DING. Come hear the banjo play.
First I want to thank lorasyrels for making such a helpful list of incest recs. I never would have seen Call Me Fitz if it weren’t for that list.
Call Me Fitz is a ½ hour comedy that ran for four seasons on HBO Canada. (I can find no official announcement about its ending – every site seems to list it as current, and yet the last episode was over a year ago. In my opinion, the show has ended, and it was planned. The last episode worked perfectly as a series finale in several ways, and the other season finales had cliffhangers and nothing conclusive about them. And also because there is no information about a fifth season being in the works, which there would be by now.)
In the tradition of U.S. HBO anything goes with the language, the content is rated H for “holy crap” and the story is told in a serial rather than episodic format.
Call Me Fitz is probably best compared to Arrested Development or It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. It’s very much in the vein of a horrible family doing horrible things and saying deeply offensive things, no hugs and no learning. It centers on Richard “Fitz” Fitzpatrick, played by Jason Priestly. You remember Jason Priestly from Beverly Hills 90210, of course. I’ve never even seen that show and even I remember him from it, so you probably do too.
Just a side note: given all the incest in Call Me Fitz, it’s a little ironic that my association with Jason Priestly’s character on 90210 is also with incest. His character was named Brandon Walsh, and he had a twin sister, Brenda, played by Shannen Doherty. Never having seen the show, I couldn’t really say for sure, but I expect that if that show was airing right now we would be talking about Brandon/Brenda a lot. I did get one ask about them here, and as I recounted there, one time I had the TV on in the background, and it was an interview with Shannen Doherty, and she was talking about Brandon and Brenda’s relationship, and I believe the topic of that relationship being shipped incestuously came up, and she said something to the effect of Jason Priestly being very hot, and it being hard to pretend like she wasn’t attracted to him, and that she really wouldn’t have minded if the relationship had been incestuous. !!!!! And what’s even funnier is that I actually think this happened before I became interested in incest shipping at all.
As you can quickly see from a few of these images, the shipping with these two is very easy. I really can’t understand why some of the promotional photoshoots are so…romantic. It’s like they looked at a book of engagement photos to learn how to pose with each other.
Apparently Shannen Doherty left the show sometime in the early middle, which is the main reason why I have never watched it for Brandon/Brenda reasons. There’s no satisfying way to put a main character sibling on a bus, especially with 5+ seasons more to go.
Back to Call Me Fitz: Fitz is accompanied in his shenanigans by his family: his father, Ken; his sister, Meghan; and his mother, Elaine. Fitz works at his Fitzpatrick Motors, his father’s used car dealership, and apparently in the world of Call Me Fitz, selling used cars is a sexy calling. ( It’s sort of like how everyone is in to lacrosse on Teen Wolf. That’s just the way it is there.)
Fitz’s life consists of “slinging tin”, getting as intoxicated as possible, and banging as many women as he can. Sounds familiar, right? So what’s the twist? Well, the supernatural twist in this otherwise not really supernatural show, is that Fitz’s conscience manifests itself in the form of Larry, a kind and gentle and dorky man, after an event in the pilot in which Fitz almost accidentally kills someone. Larry insinuates himself into Fitz’s life and feels it is his mission to encourage Fitz to make better choices. Which Fitz, of course, never does.The four seasons of the show cover various threads – Fitz trying to escape legal troubles related to his various crimes against humanity, Fitz trying to escape various plots of revenge against him and other consequences for his various crimes against humanity, Fitz trying to make his dream of opening a lounge called the Summer Wind come true, and also various dramas to do with keeping the car dealership.
I loved this show. I mean, yeah, the incest was a plus, but it’s also a really good show and hilarious. Not for the faint of heart, but if you like this kind of comedy then I definitely recommend it. There are so many fascinating relationships in this show that are sweet in spite of themselves. And it’s put together so well – I love the score, I love the theme. The acting is AMAZING. It’s just soooooo good. It’s such a shame it isn’t more popular. I wish I could single-handedly make it popular – that’s what it deserves. But it has been very well recognized by the Canadian television awards industry, lots of nominations and lots of wins. So it’s not just me saying it’s good – professionals think so too. I can’t talk about the incest without getting into some fairly major spoilers, so I’ll issue a spoiler warning right here.
I do want to talk a little bit about Fitz and Meghan, because that’s an interesting relationship and it had plenty of suggestive moments, but the incest I’m dangling in your face is actually between Fitz and the sister he never knew he had. As many of you know, I don’t find incest between siblings who did not grow up together (and especially who didn’t even know the other existed), to be quite as fun, but Call Me Fitz sweetens the pot a little.So here’s the situation: Fitz’s father Ken had a brother named Pat that neither Fitz nor Meghan ever knew about. Pat and Ken had a falling out over Elaine when they were young. When Elaine left Pat for Ken, she was pregnant with Fitz, but Ken never knew this.
In season 4, Pat returns in order to connect with his son and get Elaine back. Pat is not like the rest of the Fitzpatricks, who have a storied history of being degenerates – he’s very new-agey and all about healthy living and philanthropy (though it is eventually revealed that his corporation is a scheme based upon an invention that was never successfully designed/created, and he’s actually insane with an A-type lair and is behind a lot of the bad things that have happened to the Fitzpatricks.). He opens an office – O-Mo – for his O mobiles (not a car but a “socialization acceleration mobilitator”) – in the neighborhood of Fitzpatrick Motors, creating a lot of antagonism and mistrust upon his return.Pat also has a daughter, Paula. Paula, working with her father, forces several encounters with Fitz before he knows her identity, and flirts with him a little. First she visits the dealership in the guise of buying a car. (Watch the scene here.) Fitz checks her out, and then she holds his baby (I’ll get into the baby a little later), and then he checks her out again, and then she tells him that he has beautiful eyes. As you can see, it’s definitely flirtatious: That happens in 4.01. In 4.02, the Fitzpatricks have started a brothel in their house (except it’s for women who come to relax and have sex with Fitz) and Paula reappears there, once again holding the baby. (At this point we have no idea who she is.) She and Fitz have a minor flirtatious exchange, which mostly involves her staring after him for a very very very long time. (Watch the scene here.)
It’s obvious right from the start that Paula finds Fitz hella attractive. It’s unclear exactly when Paula found out that Fitz was her cousin – she could have found out before we ever met her, or she could have found out after those initial interactions. But even after both her and Fitz know for sure that they’re cousins, the lustful looks continue.
When Ken reveals to Fitz that Pat is his brother, Fitz goes to O-Mo. There he is surprised to see Paula (a woman he only knows as a recognizable stranger from those two earlier exchanges). He is initially suspicious and mistrustful of her as well, which adds a little more interesting tension to these earlier encounters.
Pat makes some overtures to Fitz, which causes him to lay down some vulgar insults and then exit. This only stirs Paula’s feelings, even though she expresses disapproval of Fitz and the Fitzpatricks manners and lifestyles later on. (Don’t forget that Paula has already been a witness to the Fitzpatrick Family Brothel, and yet she’s still hot for him.) KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS, PAULA!
(Watch all of the scenes from this episode here.)
Fitz comes back later pretending like he has gotten Pat a good deal on something that will help out with one of philanthropical enterprises. Paula and Pat are both excited, and Pat makes a move to hug Fitz, but instead Fitz dives in and hugs Paula in a lascivious way. He absolutely gives zero f—ks that she is his cousin.Hahahahahahaha. Paula tho.
In 4.06, Pat encourages Paula to get closer to Fitz, but she resists the idea because she knows she’s got the hots for him. (Oh, Paula, honey, you have so far left to fall.)
(Scenes from 4.06 are here.)
Eventually she does. She goes and finds him at his usual place (the bar of the Duncan Underwood Inn, or the D.U.I.). Paula doesn’t drink, but ends up having a few while she’s there with him. There’s something very special about the way he passes his drink over to her. Even though he doesn’t trust her, he accepts her. He likes her.And then he embroils her in his scheme. She gave a reason for wanting the same thing as he did, but it was pretty flimsy (from a viewer’s perspective), I think she just would have done whatever he wanted. So first they go sneaking around holding hands for no discernible reason except to be adorable:
They creep into Meghan’s bedroom, where Larry asks them to wait, which Paula doesn’t mind at all: But Larry is a liar, and he locks the two of them in there so they won’t disrupt the event. (Typical Larry – he tries to keep Fitz out of trouble and just accidentally foments incest instead.) It doesn’t take long for it to turn into sex. Paula makes the first move, and very quickly, but it wouldn’t surprise me if Fitz hadn’t eventually made a move on her. (He was a little distracted, his scheme failing and all.) While they’re having sex, Paula says, “No European country prohibits marriage between cousins.” I don’t know if that’s just an argument for “cousin incest: not so bad” or whether she’s actually thinking about marriage. Probably the former but we can hope. Then she adds, “It’s allowed in Canada and Mexico too.” Which is weird, because I thought this took place in Canada. Wouldn’t you say “here”?
Then she says, “IT’S LIKE WE’RE ONE.” And Fitz replies, “Yeah, it’s like I’m fucking myself.”
Which I don’t actually think makes any sense, but it is hilarious, and I love it when they play that part in the previouslies followed by the revelation that she’s his sister.
The reveal comes almost right after they roll out of their lovemaking bed. Someone barges in on them (so who knows, maybe they would have kept going forever and ever), and so Fitz makes his escape. They run out in a clear post-coital state, though no one seems to pick up on it. They look really cute, don’t they?
Just having had sex with your sister isn’t quite as much of a blow as learning your uncle is your father and your father is your uncle, especially when you were perfectly fine with banging your cousin – still, a significant portion of Fitz’s shocked reactions are dedicated to Paula. I like to think, from Fitz’s side, it’s a lot more, “Oh no this means we can’t have sex again,” rather than, “I can’t believe I had sex with my sister”. I think given some of what happens later it’s reasonable to think that. Paula is…very upset. I wasn’t going to mention the fact that she threw up, but for the sake of Dennis and Dee, I will. Because when Dennis thought he had had sex with Dee while drunk in “Who Got Dee Pregnant”, he said he was going to be sick. And here we have evidence that that doesn’t have to mean the idea disgusts you. Paula is very into Fitz both before and after.
Pat wants Fitz to come work at his dealership, and he sends Paula to ask him in 4.07. (Scene here.)
This is a very interesting scene. Fitz is very stiff (I’m leavin’ it) in this scene. Paula is waiting for him, and he’s not very receptive but he’s definitely affected by seeing her. She says that if he comes to O-Mo, it’ll give them a chance to work together as brother and sister, and then she hands him a business card. He takes the card, but then he rudely tells her to leave. She watches him as he walks away, and then he stands in front of the door for a long time, and eventually looks back.
Fitz has a lot of trouble dealing with his emotions, and learning that Ken isn’t really his father hits him very hard, but he doesn’t know how to face that. So he basically just pushes everything away. He just doesn’t know what to do.
He reaches a low point by the end of the episode and decides to take up the job offer.
Now, there’s a scene in the previouslies for episode 4.08 which has Paula visiting her therapist, and the therapist says, “It sounds like your father is embracing the idea of bringing the family together again. You should too,”, and then Paula’s response is, “Embrace Richard?”, and she’s frightened and unsure. “Get to know him!” the therapist says. Then it cuts to her and Fitz having sex in 4.06. My best guess (I’m almost certain, ’cause her shirt matches) is that it’s a deleted scene from 4.06 that takes place between her father telling her to get close to Fitz, and then her finding Fitz at the bar. And actually, the scene never should have been cut because without it, it seems like Paula changes her mind offscreen for no apparent reason. But anyway, Paula was so mixed up about her father’s interest in this other side of the family and her own un-cousinly feelings for Richard that she went to see a therapist about it. Before she started drinking at the bar she was clearly feeling like her sexual attraction towards him needed to avoided and stifled. Which makes her rabbit hole that much more amusing.
I’d also like to note that Paula has a few scenes of her on her own, and some of her scenes with her father are mostly about her. She really hits the ground running as a character in season 4. I’m not even sure Elaine has those honors.
4.08 begins with Richard starting at Pat’s company. Paula is happy to have him there. Pat says, “I want you and your sister to work as a pair. I want a fluid exchange – get inside each other.” (That reminds me so much of Michel telling George Michael to not be afraid to ride Maeby hard.) Fitz and Paula are walking side by side – no personal space for no reason whatsoever – and it’s really cute. They do this again later too. Even though Paula has been with her father’s business for as long as he has she walks alongside Fitz like she is also getting the tour.
(You can watch the scenes from 4.08 here.)
Paula goes back to visit her therapist again.
Paula says that she tried his coping mechanisms. (We don’t know what those were, because the scene is missing.) Then she adds, “And we slept together.”Therapist: “Well, good news is, first cousins are legally allowed to marry.” So much marriage talk!
Paula, awkwardly: “He’s not my cousin.”
The therapist takes a deep breath: “Listen, Toots: you need to reprogram your intimacy response. Next time these feelings come on, try to think of something unpleasant.” Paula and her father are vegans, so she decides to think about meat and meat products. I think we already know this is a bad idea. When she brings up her father, he says, “We’ll tackle your father another time. Actually, don’t tackle your father. In fact, all physical contact with relatives is, you know, out.” This therapist sucks but he’s hilarious.
Paula’s aversion tactics last for less than a minute.
After walking side by side with him again, trailing their father from a significant distance, Pat assigns the two of them a presentation for a focus group, and Paula is excited to be alone with him.
She shows him around the presentation area – big mistake because it’s all dark and private back there. What a rookie.
Realizing what’s happening, she begins whispering to herself about different meats (to Fitz’s confusion), but then ends up on sausages (surprise surprise.), “uncircumcised sausages”. She begins reaches for his…package area, but he says, “Whoa whoa whoa whoa hold on there, sister,” and steps away. “That sibling action was a one-shot deal.” She makes a face, and he amends: “Well, OK, three shots.” (LOL! I told you it was good sex. They were busy!!!!)
Fitz resists again, and puts his hand up to stop her. “Whoa whoa whoa. I think we need to lay some ground rules. Cousin is one thing, but banging my own sister? That hurts the Fitz-y brand.” And he walks away.
Notice that he never says he doesn’t want to, he’s just worried about his reputation.
Later, Fitz is reading through his employment manual. He’s complaining to Larry that working there doesn’t have any of the thrills of Fitzpatrick Motors. “All I’ve got are blue balls and a bunch of shapes on a page.” I don’t know if the “shapes on a page” is a reference to Fitz’s dyslexia – the show occasionally has awesome continuity – or just the fact that Pat’s dealership is a bunch of modern BS (probably the latter). As for the “blue balls”, that could potentially reference the fact that Fitz had sex a lot at his old job with customers, or it could reference his earlier encounter with Paula. (Hopefully the latter.)
Fitz is no longer interested in working there, and discovers that he gets a great severance package if he gets fired. He makes several attempts to act out, but they only make Pat want to help him more. Pat tells him that there is nothing he could do that would make him fire him. Then Fitz looks over and sees Paula, and she looks at him flirtatiously.Larry proceeds with the focus group after Fitz and Paula don’t show up. He opens a curtain to reveal the new gadget, but instead it’s Fitz and Paula having sex against the glass.
Ring a ding ding.
Larry says, “What happened to hurting the Fitz-y brand? You can’t even abide by your own rules!”
Fitz explains that after a drink or two he stops caring about rules.
Paula asks, “Wait, did you not see what happened?”
Pat’s inadvertently on-point euphemistic dialogue gives me so much joy.
“18 months of consumer tests and we’ve never had such positive feedback.” Pat starts reading the review cards: “Just listen to this: ‘Gave me a massive woody,’; Fitz nods appreciatively and looks over at Paula. Pat continues with the next one: “‘I came in my pants”; “Fast, messy, sick,’.” “Wasn’t that fast,” Fitz says, and he winks at Paula. She smiles back. “I don’t know what you two did up there but I’ve never seen feedback like this before!”There’s one more review that he reads: “I could hear the banjo playing.” Which makes me laugh hysterically every time I think about it. I keep picturing this:
“Who else do I have to fuck around here to get my research?” Fitz calls out drunkenly in the next scene. Paula throws a binder violently into his lap. (I guess it’s her again!) “Here you go, Mr. Fitzpatrick. Just like our father ordered.”
“Easy there, sister. Wait, am I sensing a little ‘tude?”
“You told our father I took you from behind in the focus group?”Paula lists all of her impressive credentials and tells Fitz that she did not work that hard to have her “legacy stolen by a degenerate inbred who takes advantage of his own sister”. I got news for you, honey: if he’s an inbred degenerate, so are you. By definition. I love that she’s such a Fitzpatrick after all. Scheming to get her way and turning on him, just like any of the others would. I love how they keep referring to each other as “brother” and “sister”. She calls him bro after she drops the mike and walks away.
She also calls him a drunk in this scene, which seems to have a big impact on Fitz. He doesn’t react to it too much then (though he does a little, considering how often he’s used to being insulted – it happens every 5 seconds in any conversation with a member of his family – it’s significant that he reacts at all), but when he goes home he grumbles about it (as he pour alcohol into his cereal), and then later on at the very end of the episode her saying it echoes back. I’m sure he’s been called a drunk a million times but when Paula suddenly got a ‘tude and called him a drunk it had an effect.
While Fitz is doing the presentation to the investors that Pat assigned to him over Paula, she’s getting drunk and smoking. She runs into Larry, and tells him that Pat is actually full of shit – batshit, as in batshit crazy.
This leads in to the two-part finale, which is probably one of my favorite Christmas episodes of any show ever. It does a Christmas Carol thing. I love Christmas episodes that really go for the whole Christmas thing and don’t just string up some lights and play some carols in the background and call it a Christmas episode (though that’s better than no Christmas episode at all).
Larry isn’t sure what to do with his new knowledge. He tracks Paula down at the bar (she’s a daydrinker now too), and asks her if she’s ever done the right thing only to find out it was the wrong thing. (Watch here.) Paula responds, “No, but I have recently done the wrong thing, and it felt very very right.” I can’t say for sure that she’s talking about having sex with Fitz, but that’s what makes the most sense to me. Even though she’s angry with him. She’s more angry with her father – this becomes very clear.
Larry wants Paula’s help to save Fitz. Paula doesn’t say that she won’t help, but she’s too drunk to do anything. She basically says he needed to find her earlier in the morning if he wanted something from her. He attempts to expose Pat, but Pat has cleaned up his lair. So Larry returns to Paula at the bar. She tells him, “’Tis the fucking season to be a failure,” and that he only way to understand a Fitzpatrick is to become a Fitzpatrick. She invites him to come and drink with her. Larry isn’t much of a drinker either.
Fitz’s vision of Christmas future is horrifying. The entire family has sobered up and is getting along. They’re all acting differently. Elaine is with Pat, Ken has found God, everyone is all hugs and smiles and proper behavior. Fitz’s sometimes nemesis Chester (Chester is sort of like the Rickety Cricket of Call Me Fitz) has married Paula, and when Fitz learns this, he is visibly shaken. His responses to seeing each of his family members changed into these Stepfords is unique but it’s a little different with Paula, subtle and short but almost more intense. It strikes me very much every time I watch the scene. (This more than anything else makes me ship them.)
(Watch 4.10 scenes here.)
Fitz is disturbed by these images. So he takes up drinking again, and the end celebrates the Fitzpatricks in all their drunken glory.
The family confronts Pat during a big investment meeting. He has this machine with lasers that incinerates in an instant anything that passes through it, and during the confrontation he just walks right through it. It’s disturbing, but still comical somehow. Paula is standing right in front of him – her only brief reaction is almost as disturbing as the suicide itself. (All of the stuff with Pat is really dark – the way he is traumatized by his upbringing, his obsession with the Fitzpatricks, his suicide, and Paula’s absolute and utter lack of mourning – her, in fact, celebration – after the two of them had been so close.)
Sadly, Paula isn’t in the car with them. I think it would have made sense for her to go with them. (And actually I had to rewatch the scene to see if she was in the car with them or not – it was her grandmother’s car so she had just as much right as anyone to be in there, and to get the treasure that was in the engine – but that’s another story.) But in either case, she has accepted her place as a Fitzpatrick with all of her drinking. Considering how much of a character she was this season, she probably deserved a little bit better of an ending (more of a conclusion is mostly what I mean, not necessarily something happier), but she seemed to be in an alright mood, she’s dancing with some people that followed her over from the bar (even though her father just killed himself).
Before they all drove off, Josh (who is a main character that I haven’t mentioned, he’s a constantly stoned mechanic and Fitz’s non-Larry best friend) asks Paula if she wants to go out some time and she tells him to f—k off. I like to think that was a nod to some kind of subversion of the idea that she would wind up with one of the other unattached guys. She won’t end up with Chester like in the horrible Christmas future, she won’t end up with Josh, that really only leaves Larry and Fitz.
A lot of the relationships I cover on here are ships – OTP and all that. Fitz/Paula is an example of something that is represented on here because it is canon. I feel kind of silly talking about endgames with them like it’s a love story for the ages (especially when there’s only canon incest to show off what an irreverent show it is), but at the same time I do ship it. I don’t want to mislead by making it seem like Fitz has a special regard for Paula that makes me ship it like Fed-Ex, but he does treat her differently than Meghan and Elaine – I definitely see the potential of the relationship becoming something very meaningful for him, as much as he would like to forget Pat. So I’ll just cover all the angles.Objectively speaking we cannot see any indications of Fitz/Paula endgame here BUT there’s absolutely nothing precluding it. Paula is a Fitzpatrick and her place is with the Fitzpatricks. She got angry with Fitz but over something that hardly matters anymore (and once she took on drinking I think she stopped caring about that – she had become a Fitzpatrick and now she understood them; and, as I mentioned, she was more angry and disillusioned with her father than anything else; she already knew what kind of man Fitz was), and she was on his side in that final scene. I’m not saying I NEED these two to end up together or anything, the exciting thing here is the canon and not the ship, BUT it is very important to me that Paula is now in Fitz’s life and that they probably have sex all the time in a totally casual and non-committed way for the rest of their lives and love each other in their own way. What do you call that ? An open endgame? I open endgame ship Fitz and Paula.
Plus look at how cute she was holding his baby. And that was the first time they ever met. She was a natural with Baby Fitz. (Her nephew and she didn’t even know it!) She was all about the baby from the start – so important!
Paula and Larry have a nice relationship. I could totally see the two of them ending up together, and then Paula and Fitz have sex sometimes and Larry doesn’t mind sharing her with Fitz, he’s only bothered by the fact that it’s incest. Why not?
Fitz has two love interests of sorts in the series. Sonja is a secretary at the dealership for the first few seasons but then she leaves. (She was Amish, and she returns home.) I really liked the character, I can only think that the actress left the show, because I can’t see why else they would have gotten rid of the character, although she appeared in several later episodes. She and Fitz had sex regularly, and Sonja occasionally got the impression that it was more of a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. Sonja was very sexy and so everyone had the impression that she got around, but Fitz was only the second person she had ever had sex with. She left a boy at home in her Amish village, Olaf, but she ends things with him in her finale episode because he’s awful. (She appears in the finale as a ghost, though.) It ends with her starting a wagon repair business with her brother. Eh? Eh???? (I did like Fitz/Sonja though. I loved the idea of her fidelity and sweetness finally winning him over, and him finally figuring that maybe just her was enough.)
The second love interest is Ali Devon, the daughter of the woman that Fitz almost killed in the pilot. Ali spends the first season trying to prosecute Fitz for the crime, but the sexual attraction is too much and she lapses into having sex with him several times through out the series. She knows he’s bad for her but she has trouble resisting him. In the third season she is pregnant with his baby, and gives birth in the season three finale. Fitz has a complicated relationship with fatherhood but rises to the occasion, in the worst way possible without being dangerously negligent. I won’t get into the baby more than what I’ve already said – that’s a treat for you if you watch the show because it’s fun to watch him being a father – but it’s relevant because it’s probably a good reason for a person to think of Fitz and Ali as offscreen endgame, or to want them to be endgame, but no.
I don’t particularly like Ali – there a few things she does that really rub me the wrong way, not least of which is abandoning her baby for a while after giving birth (and then chewing Fitz when the baby went missing, even though for once it wasn’t Fitz’s fault – Paula had kidnapped the baby for her father). But she’s a good character. And I like Ali/Fitz a little because Ali seems like she would be that cliché character – you know, there’s that woman who doesn’t fall for the womanizer’s charms and he falls in love with her because he respects her because she refused to have sex with him. I mean, when done right that can play well in a rom-com sort of way, but generally I hate that cliché because I think it plays into misogynistic prejudice against women who are “easy” and also is a form of “not like other girls”, which is the actual worst. What makes Ali different is that she doesn’t resist him. At least she fails. She tries a little but in the end she always sleeps with him. She has feelings for him that she doesn’t bother denying. She can’t quite think he’s scum.
Larry calls Ali something to the effect of “the only woman you’ve ever really had feelings for” (and that was in season 1 or 2, mind you) and ghost!Sonja says that Ali making her life better by pushing Fitz away is “true love” and that Ali “may not be able to be with you now, but […]”, but I don’t buy it. Fitz never says anything like that himself, in fact he never treats Ali as anything other than a woman he has banged before and wouldn’t mind banging again, and the mother of his child (which forces them to interact), and wanting better for her than Chester (she was engaged to Chester earlier on in the series – PARALLEL!!!! with Paula). There was absolutely none of the conventional “she’s his endgame love interest” type stuff that you would generally see (like him looking over at her from a distance and smiling, or hinting that maybe he might want to settle with her someday, etc.), and they weren’t dating in any way, shape, or form in the finale. They do stop by and get her when they’re driving in the car at the very end, but I think that was mostly about the baby. And in all fairness she has been a regular character since season 1, which was true of everyone else in the car (aside from the baby), and not true of anyone else who wasn’t in the car (like Paula).
In Fitz’s vision of Christmas future, Ali is shown to be married to a woman (a woman from Fitz’s past called Dot Foxley, who is a regular in seasons 2 and 3 and makes a few appearances in season 4), and Fitz doesn’t even care, he’s just getting turned on about it. His ghost guide (Grandma Alice) even finds it remarkable that he has no negative reaction. (But when Fitz sees that Paula has married Chester he is quite upset, remember?!!! NEVER FORGET.)
And some of the final words were Larry saying that Fitz still had “lust in his eyes” (it was a variation on The Night Before Christmas). I’m perfectly happy with Fitz as a lifelong slut. Unlike Barney Stinson on How I Met Your Mother, who always had inclinations towards monogamy and a family, Fitz never showed any desire to settle down with one woman, or any dissatisfaction with his life whatsoever. All of his unhappiness arose from passing troubles, especially once he discovered that selling cars and not the Summer Wind was his true passion. (That’s another thing I love about this show – there were journeys, but not much growth. None of them grew as characters, only their relationships grew. They all end up pretty much where and as they were. But it was never stale. ) I’m OK with Fitz and Ali having a similar thing to what I talked about for Fitz and Paula but less (a lot less) – not on again off again so much as exes with occasional benefits.
So that’s Fitz and Paula. I mean, it’s pretty great. They were already thought they were cousins when they had sex for the first time (and probably even when Paula started making bedroom eyes at Fitz), and then after they find out that they’re brother and sister, not only does Paula’s attraction continue unaltered, but they actually have sex again after, and continue to flirt after that.
But before I leave off with Call Me Fitz, I also want to talk briefly about Fitz’s relationships with the other women in his family.
There’s definitely some oedipal vibes between Fitz and Elaine. When we start, Elaine has been apart from the family for many years. She took off and was never seen again and everyone hates her. She’s a liar and con artist and can’t be trusted. Fitz is trying to find out if Larry is his brother (it takes him a while to accept that Larry is his conscience), so he goes to find his mother to get something to test for DNA. When he arrives at his mother’s house, she’s having some kind of strange orgy. Elaine hits on him before realizing who he is, and then he tries to cut off some of her hair while she’s giving some guy a blow job. He steals her car, in anger, and then when he talks about selling it to Larry he uses a lot of sexual imagery and it’s an obvious metaphor for his mother – Larry even points out that it’s oedipal. (I would have transcribed that part but I forgot to keep it.)
Elaine shows up and demands her car back. Everyone is afraid of her and what she’s capable of so they help. Fitz and Elaine are pulling a con to get it back, and Fitz has to make a show of pretending to sell her a car. Their plan is for her to storm away angrily so she tells him to grab her ass, which he does (reluctantly). Elaine thinks it needs more, so she grabs his hand and puts it on her boobs. (And then she slaps him.)
The woman Fitz almost accidentally killed (it was a car accident and he was driving), was Babs Devon, Ali’s mother. And the way he gets out of it is by marrying her. Fitz is shown having sex with all different kinds of women (different ages, different shapes) but he has a lot of trouble getting it up for Babs. Similar to Paula and her therapist, Larry advises Fitz to think of happy memories while he’s with Babs. The memory that Fitz hooks onto (after staring at her breasts) is apparently something from his childhood because he has her start calling him Mr. Pants and there’s a lot of spanking. After that they have sex like rabbits. (He even plays hooky from work in order to keep having sex.). Larry overhears Babs calling him, “Mr. Pants,”, and knows that’s what Elaine used to call him. (It’s hard to imagine Elaine ever being cutesy with him like that.) Larry decides that this regression is not good for Fitz psychologically and decides he needs to put a stop to it. It’s unnecessary, however. The mommy stuff degenerates even further with a lot of, “You’ve been a bad, bad boy” until it reaches a point where Fitz attempts to breast feed (*shudders*/traumatized flashbacks to American Horror Story: Asylum) and Babs calls it quits. I don’t think I need to explain that what’s incestuous here isn’t Fitz seeking motherly attention from Babs, it’s the fact that it fuels his libido like nothing else.
In season 2, it’s revealed that Fitz regularly visits a fancy, specialized prostitute who does the whole “mommy” thing. (It’s so hilarious because when he goes to talk to her about a video that was sent to him, she stays “in character” even though he’s not there for a session.) It’s not clear whether he found her after the thing with Babs or whether that was something he had been into for a long time.
Fitz also reveals in season 4 that he walked in on Ken and Elaine having sex one time and remains thoroughly disturbed by it.
I don’t ship Fitz and Elaine but that’s some pretty heavy Oedipal stuff so I felt I had to mention it. And I didn’t even go into the fact that Fitz spends much of the first season attempting to replace his father as the head of Fitzpatrick Motors and then in season 4 he drives his bio dad to suicide. (But he had help, of course. And that wasn’t his intention.) In 4.06, Fitz’s scheme with Paula was to stop Ken and Elaine from getting remarried. (Though he believed that there would be a redistribution of shares of the dealership because of it.) It adds up.
There’s also some weird stuff with Fitz’s grandmother. Wait wait, hear me out. Grandma Alice – who is totally fab (maybe I just really like the actress?) – was a porn star and a prostitute. (She died at some point in the past.) She used to service men while little Ken and Pat sat in the car. (They lived out of that car for a while, which is why Pat wanted to incinerate it, and why it had treasure in it.) In one scene Ken is shown masturbating while it’s happening, watching for part of it. He brings it up another time (and I think it might have been an entirely different episode), and he says, “Do you think I enjoyed watching […]”, and then he admits that he did enjoy it. And then he asks, “But do you think I enjoyed enjoying it?” And Larry, who he’s talking with, says, “Yes, I think you did.” (But it obviously screwed Pat up a lot, and that part’s not funny.)
Larry had been trying to prove for a long time that Grandma Alice was a good Fitzpatrick, a role model for Fitz, and so he’s devastated when he figures out that she was just like all of the others. After Paula encourages him to drink, he goes back to the house and puts on one of Alice’s porn videos. He’s about to jack off to it (which is very very unlike Larry), but then the video had been taped over. Larry is a Fitzpatrick too, in his weird way. (So masturbating to a porn video of his grandmother is incestuous.) It’s very unique and interesting the way that he’s sort of half a person, and half a member of the family and half not, and half an extension of Fitz and half not. But that’s out of our purview and this is long enough already and I’m not even done.
Grandma Alice also appears as Fitz’s ghost of Christmas future. She’s dress very scantily and sexily, and at one point she tells him to pull on the tassels that she has attached to her breasts, which Fitz feels very uncomfortable about doing.
OK, now on to Fitz and Meghan. In there was no Fitz and Paula, I would probably have a much higher opinion of the incestuousness of Meghan and Fitz, because there are a couple of pretty suggestive things.
When the show begins, Fitz is living with Meghan. Meghan is the younger sister, but she is married (though soon divorced after the show begins) with a child who is 16ish by the 4th season. Meghan occasionally works at Fitzpatrick motors, but at other times will randomly show up to talk with Fitz or her father, and she has relationships with the other staff at the dealership (like Sonja) and Larry.
I think the writers sort of changed their mind a little about Meghan. She starts out a little rough around the edges, but relatively normal. She’s concerned about her divorce, concerned about custody of her child. Soccer mom, with a nice house and barbecues on the deck. She actually becomes an assassin in a later season episode. She and Fitz have a relationship where they never say anything nice to each other but then they still call each other for help and Meghan lets him live with her (rent free), etc. They sort of tolerate each other as a simple fact of their life. For Fitz, Meghan just is. And for Meghan, Fitz just is. They banter back and forth very childishly – I love that they’re sort of stuck permanently in that dynamic because the brother/sister-ness is strong with these two. (The family is totally in arrested development, just another reason why Arrested Development is a great show for comparison.) For example, Meghan calls Fitz “Dick” when she’s angry with him (remember, his name is Richard), which genuinely seems to bother him.
In 1.02, Fitz is digging through her medicine cabinet for drugs. She yells at him for stealing and then grabs the pills that he wants and tucks them into her bra. He makes a few attempts to reach for them and then chickens out, and she calls him a pussy. (That made me love the relationship right away.)
I love 1.04, which is when Elaine comes back for her car, because it shows how similar the Fitzpatricks all are. Larry invites them for a family meeting, and they keep calling out their drink orders. They’re all drinking likes fishes, but different liquors. Then they all snipe at each other. Then they all make fun of Larry. 4.05 is very similar – Larry gets them all to play a board game which leads to lots of talking and then waking up and having no idea what happened.
1.05 is an interesting episode. It’s Ken’s birthday, and Meghan is really proud of the gift she got him. She brags to Fitz about it, which leads him to feel an intense rivalry about it and to give his Dad the best present ever. (Meghan consistently shows affection to her father – it’s the only relationship in the show like that. He’s surly back to her. And there’s this twistedly cute thing where she’s the only person who can waken Ken up after he’s passed out from drinking. They have special methods for waking each of their parents up.) Fitz’s best present ever is a custom-made porno. He hires his Dad’s favorite porn star and plans out, in great detail, exactly what he knows his father will want. There ends up being a problem with the porn star, though, and Meghan volunteers to fill in. FITZ IS THE DIRECTOR (and, oh yeah, IT’S FOR HER FATHER). In the end that’s not what happens, but…And then Sonja ends up volunteering, which everyone agrees to, but she’ll only have sex with Fitz. So then Fitz was going to be starring in the porno for his father. That’s not what happens either in the end, though.
Fitz and Meghan have a lot of conversations about her sex life. Fitz knows exactly how long it has been since she has had sex with her husband and brings it up with her as a reason why her husband left her. After the divorce Meghan is really horny – it’s one of her defining characteristics – and a lot of her plotlines involve her trying to get laid. (That’s why she volunteered for the porno). In 1.06, Meghan is complaining to Fitz about how long it has been since she’s had sex. Fitz tells her to quite whining, put on something slutty, and just go out to a bar, and that she’ll meet some guy for sure that way. (Of course he says this in an insulting way, without much regard for the type of guy that would pick her up, and how drunk he would have to be. *anticipatory Perry the platypus noise*) Meghan does end up doing this later on, but for now she does find the suggestion satisfactory, because that’s how she met her ex-husband, and the sex with him apparently wasn’t great. (We meet him in a later season and he’s very good-looking and out of her league and he seems to really miss her and says he hasn’t been with anyone since the divorce.) Meghan then goes into romance novel type descriptions of exactly the kind of dirty sex she would like to have.
The conversation is happening because Fitz was asking for help with Larry. Larry gets in Fitz’s way all the time, trying to prevent him from doing bad things. So he wants to distract Larry with a lady and wanted to know if Meghan thought that was possible. He does tell her that Larry is single when she talks about trying to get laid. As I sort of went into before, Larry is Fitz. He is, but he isn’t, but he is. Is Meghan/Larry incest? No, but also yes, it is. (All of Larry’s memories are Fitz’s memories. For Larry, all he would remember is growing up as Meghan’s brother. And actually there are a few scenes where he gets annoyed with her like she’s his sister, which I always really enjoy.)
Fitz takes Larry out to try and get him to hook up with someone. (I really shipped Larry with Dot Foxley. Larry is so nice and caring about everyone, but he really hated Dot Foxley. That’s why I shipped it. Because I am trash. Larry mostly is only interested in Fitz’s life, but he did have romantic inclinations towards one girl he met. It didn’t work out, though.)
Fitz decides a demonstration is in order, so he goes out to the dance floor to pick up a chick, and he starts dancing with her and touching her and you guessed it, it’s Meghan. She turns around, and they look at each other, horrified, and then Fitz just dances his way back to his table, like nothing happened. Oops. In 1.07, Meghan is once again complaining about how horny she is. Fitz actually takes sympathy on her, and suggests she pleasure herself with a female pleasure device. Meghan begins talking about how needy she is, and how she needs to be held, and made love to. (Her mother would die to hear her talking like that.) Meghan’s son is also sitting there at the time and knows exactly what’s going on in that discussion. (Fitz is pretty sweet with his nephew in this episode and takes him to his bachelor party with him like a cool uncle. He can’t wait to tell him all his cool stories. One of those stories is about how at another bachelor party they tattooed a penis onto the groom’s forehead, and how the bride was pissed. We find out later that the bride was Meghan.)
In 2.07, the Fitzpatricks go back to the house the kids grew up in. Fitz gets emotional. Old arguments are drudged up. Meghan says that she learned about sex from sneaking into Fitz’s room and reading his porn (FORMATIVE PORN, I bet that would make for interesting sex between them if they grew up on the same stuff), and then Fitz tells her that he knew that from reading her diary. It’s interesting that he would even care enough to read her diary, and I’m sure there were plenty of sexual thoughts put own in there – I mean, this is Meghan we’re talking about.
Meghan goes a little crazy after this. I mentioned her stint as an assassin. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that she was sent to kill Fitz. She does fire on him, but it was sort of an accident. She freaks out after she fired. He survived – the bullet was blocked by something, probably a flask but I don’t actually remember. Then Meghan shoots herself after that, at least that’s what is implied though we don’t see it. I guess that was part of the cliffhanger season finale, though it’s not resolved satisfactorily. Meghan spends some time in a mental institution, but gets out again, and then she’s in jail for a while, and then she gets out and continues to be her same old charming self. Fitz doesn’t seem to hold it against her.
In season 4, Meghan and Fitz are back in the same house – Grandma Alice’s house. (The house burned down mid season 1 and Fitz got a long-term hotel room.) The custody judge won’t give Fitz custody unless the whole family lives under that roof for [insert number that I’ve forgotten] months. So it’s just like childhood again, with Mom and Dad and Meghan and Fitz, and then Larry too. (Fitz’s desire for custody depends on what scheme he has in mind to use the baby for. In this case he thinks it’ll be a boon for selling cars.)
Meghan doesn’t have much to do in season 4. She’s under house arrest for the first part of the season so she’s only around in scenes that take place at the house. I mentioned the episode where they play the game. Meghan reveals that the family swore off board games ever since the “Parcheesi incident of 1987 – I got six stitches in my cooch.” That sounds like a good story. They drink a lot and eat pot brownies during the game. They wake up sprawled out all over the place in the living room, and Meghan is without a shirt. Who knows exactly what happened.
In 4.06, Meghan is going to be the flower girl at Ken and Elaine’s wedding. Fitz walks straight into her room without knocking. Unfortunately she isn’t changing, but it works out just as well. She yells, “Mom” angrily because he barged into – arrested development or what?, but it turns out that Larry has been there the whole time. He’s sitting on her bed going through a box. It’s like he’s another brother (which he sort of is). Meghan is looking at herself in the mirror, doing sexy poses. She turns to Fitz, shimmies a little, and says, “Does this dress say ‘fuck the flower girl’ to you?” Fitz is shocked.
There’s nothing truly suggestive in season 4 until 4.08. Meghan is part of the aforementioned focus group hosted by Paula and Fitz.
Meghan is delighted to see Fitz and Paula having sex behind the glass when the curtain is opened. She grabbed a bunch of refreshments before coming in to the viewing room and says, “Ooh, dinner and a show!” She gets really into watching them go at it. UM, MEGHAN, THAT’S YOUR BROTHER.
At home the next night, while Fitz is eating his alcohol and cereal, Meghan “sashays” (for some reason the copy of this episode I downloaded has video descriptive service for the audio track) in and bends over purposefully at the fridge after shaking her butt around. She’s dressed kind of sexily (but not quite Grandma-Alice level). Then she drops something so she can bend over even more and shake her butt in Fitz’s face. He’s (seemingly) not interested (but let’s not forget when he was touching her ass at the D.U.I.). Fitz asks what’s up with her. “Are you trying to make me toss my cookies?” he asks.
“What? No! I am trying to sleep my way to the top, asshole,” she answers. I actually forget exactly what her goal was, what she wanted to be on top of (besides Fitz, that is). But she tells Fitz that she needs him to put in a good word for her with Pat, and that she’ll “make it worth [his] while”. She says this with a shake of her head, as if she’s disgusted too, but that’s not the way she was acting when she walked in the room.
“Half sister, dick cheese!” Meghan shouts. I CAN’T BELIEVE I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT THE INSULTS ON THIS SHOW ARE THE ACTUAL BEST. They’re so hilarious and creative. It’s just non stop and it’s amazing. “Just like what’s-her-tits!” Meghan points out. “What’s good for the goose is good for the…other goose.” She pauses, then finishes with: “It’s the motherfucking principle”, and storms out. Yeah, Meghan, I totally believe this is all about trading sexual favors for a job at Pat’s dealership. You’ve totally convinced me.
All I hear is that if it’s open season on incest with Fitz then she’s in.
So yeah, that actually happened.
In the finale, Fitz and Meghan don’t interact very much. Their biggest scene is probably the moment in Fitz’s vision of Christmas future. Meghan has become his boss. And he’s like her minion, scrambling around to do her will. So apparently if Fitz becomes sober, then he turns into Meghan’s little bitch. And if he’s drunk, then he breaks his own rules and doesn’t care about the “Fitzy brand”. So I guess which sister just depends upon how much alcohol he’s had.
I don’t know quite how I feel about Fitz and Meghan. Obviously I enjoyed all of the suggestive stuff between them – how most of their first conversations were about what kind of sex Meghan wanted, how Fitz tried to pick her up while she was dancing at the bar, how Meghan threw herself at him Lindsay Bluth-style once she found out that he was OK with banging his sister, the possible future in which he is her slave, etc. But I actually think – are you ready for this? – I prefer their brother/sister relationship? Maybe this is because of Paula, or maybe I just find Meghan too…Irish?
There’s a lot of potential in a character like Fitz having a sister, but Meghan doesn’t really have the personality I would have chosen if I was setting up a ship for Fitz. I guess it’s just not one of my favorite dynamics. Plus, it’s like, Fitz will have sex with any lady who walks by and Meghan is desperate for sex and yet nothing happens between them? It’s almost like canon is telling us “definitely no, sorry”. But at the same time, their relationship is really important to me. I definitely love them living together and I want them to live together forever. And, as I’ve proven, quite a lot of suggestive things happen. I don’t know. I could see Fitz being really disgusted with the idea, and then they both get really drunk and it happens, and it was the best sex ever and so he’s really confused and now on holidays when they’ve both had a lot to drink they have really shameful dirty sex that they both really enjoy.
OK, I think I’m finally done talking about Call Me Fitz. I love this show so much. I watched it in about a week and a half, and that was almost a month ago, and now I’m feeling really nostalgic about it.
And I forgot to mention there is some canon male/male cousincest. The Ruptal cousins own a car dealership that’s in competition with Fitzpatrick Motors. They are recurring characters who appear mostly for comedy, they don’t have much role in the plot. Meghan starts dating one of them, and then has an affair with the other. To resolve the issue, they decide to have a threesome. The cousins start getting busy with each other and ignoring Meghan before too long and she slips out of the bed and leaves. They have a few scenes of awkwardness relating to it later on.
RING A DING DING (That’s Fitz’s catchphrase, btw.)